I’ve chosen this lovely quality to talk about in more detail first, because I just so happened to have been talking to someone about this last night.
The Jailer has so many tricks up his sleeve, it’s unreal. When people talk to me about controlling relationships and they say my absolute personal favourite line… “Why didn’t she just leave him?!”, I like to try to explain to people, who haven’t been there themselves, that although from an outside perspective (not just family and friends but even strangers) it appears utterly ridiculous to continue to stay with someone whom apparently treats you so badly, that actually they have probably experienced so much of ‘The Jailer’s qualities’ that they don’t feel they can leave…
The jailer does not like you to leave the house…and after being, well ultimately brainwashed, subtly at first and then more and more over time, you feel like there’s no way out. I mean, there are all different levels of this, as there is with all of the abusive behaviours. Some men will go all the way and literally lock you in the house for years (Yes this does actually happen!) and others will let you out sometimes, for a price (you have to do something for him or spend half of whatever money you might have scraped together to go out, on him, so you run out half way through this time you spend out and feel embarrassed and decide ‘all by yourself’ you won’t bother next time) usually he will stay at this level if you have a family or friends already around you that would notice if you were just gone completely. I definitely, personally believe, that this is one of the 8 characteristics that really set you up mentally, to truly believe that you can’t leave him.
They might do/say any of the following…
•Refuse to care for the children or care for them inadequately so that you don’t want to leave them with him again.
•Tell you that, he just wants you to throw a sickie and stay at home with him because he loves to spend time with you.
•Ring you at work to get you into trouble (this also reminds you, you can never really be away from him! He will always be inside your head) and you have to answer or, Christ, you’d get a bollocking when you got home.
•He might delete your work from the laptop so you have to make excuses to not go in and then spend lots of time, stuck in, doing it all again.
•Change the clocks around the house, so that you end up being late and then put them all back again and claim to not know what happened and says you must be “going mad”.
•Make a huge deal and create lots of arguments if you work with other men.
•Persuade you that you should stay at home and give up work, because he wants to look after you. He will even use this one if he’s unemployed himself!
•He might go out and ‘accidentally’ leave his keys at home and doesn’t know how long he will be out for, so you have to stay home to let him in or he might take both sets so you wouldn’t be able to lock the door to go out or get back in again.
•He might ‘forget’ to take the pushchair out of the boot of the car, before he drives off for the day, so you’re stuck home not able to go anywhere.
•Hide your clothes or shoes or if he’s made you put on weight or lose weight he might not let you buy new clothes to fit…(Yep, this happens too). Some men have actually joked that “The secret to a successful marriage is to, keep her pregnant and hide her shoes”!
•Leave you so many chores before you can go out that he knows you’ll have no time once you’ve finished them all.
•There has even been cases, where Jailers have trained dogs to not allow a woman to move from a certain spot in the house!
•Checks the mileage on the car and questions every extra inch you may have driven or demands to see train or bus tickets.
•maybe he will video call you, to see where you are.
•He might time you to see how long you’ve been.
•Maybe he installs security cameras around the house so that ‘he can keep you safe’ and watch what you do from his phone or other device throughout the day.
•He may make sure to put others off coming to visit you or stop you inviting them by, Walking around in his pants, being slightly rude to guests, ignoring them to watch T.V. or play his Xbox, Sulk before they arrive and after they leave, go and sit in another room so that you have to make excuses for him, Sometimes when he’s in another room, guests might ask if hes alright and we will say something like “yeah, he’s just shy” or “he’s just come home from a night shift” this will put others off staying long or coming back.
•He might start arguments with family or friends and tell you he was only sticking up for you, because they had behaved controlling towards you.
•He might seduce our friends or family either sexually or into thinking he’s a perfect gentleman, so that if or when we tell them he’s an arsehole, they think it must be you.
•He might say that our friends or family have tried it on with him!
•Tell you your friends don’t really like you and use you.
•Cause a huge argument over nothing when you’re getting ready to go out.
•Maybe he gives you a look or even says outright you look bad/fat/ugly etc. once you’re ready.
•He might insist on having sex with you before you go out and not let you wash afterwards.
•Check your underwear once you’re home.
•Turn up wherever you are to “surprise” you.
•He may insist on coming everywhere with you. Some people think this means he’s devoted and he loves you and it’s sweet.
•Suggests moving away…It would be “romantic” or a “fresh start”.
These are just a few of the things I’ve heard about or read. The Jailer really is a twat! He has this belief that we’re all a bunch of slags and that if we’re around other men or sometimes women too, that we will definitely end up having sex with them…(which is funny really, because he’s usually already told you at this point how ugly and disgusting you are and that you couldn’t get anyone else and are lucky to have him…this is cognitive dissonance which i was note at the end of this blog). He believes that men should be in charge and that women are like pets. Women can’t do real work and they work so much harder because their job might be more physical. He will be pissed if we earn more than he does and act like you’re just lucky, not that you’re actually good at what you do. He knows that women should be kept at home out of sight.
The Jailer will probably get most of these beliefs from experiences from an early age. Many of us may have grown up in families where the man goes to work and the woman stays at home and cooks and cleans and brings up the children. Also when men watch their favourite sports, it’s usually Football or Cricket or other sport which are mainly televised as a man’s game, again separating us and making it look as though we’re not able to play just as well as a man. There are many other social reinforcements as well to keep them thinking they’re much more important. We have things like WorkingMEN’s clubs and Gentlemen’s Clubs (Strip clubs)…all subtly and subconsciously reinforcing then that men are ‘above’ women. I mean look back, not actually so long ago and women couldn’t even vote! Women weren’t always allowed to attend University or get a Degree either. This makes hearing things from our elder’s like “It’s a man’s job” or “You work and you’ve got kids!?” so commonplace. I think we’ve only just, very recently gotten rid of the option to click on “housewife” on online forms and replace it with “house person”…and I think actually, some online forms do still have the “housewife” option? These things sound silly but again, they’re all little triggers to a Jailer to make him keep believing he’s right.
We ourselves encourage this believe he has!!! Remember when you first met and he said things like “I want you all to myself this weekend” and you interpreted that as ‘so romantic’? We didn’t question the fact that he wanted to keep us away from others because we didn’t realise that was the case back then and set boundaries…once you’ve gotten into a relationship without setting boundaries, it’s very difficult to then implement them later. Also later on into the relationship we feel grateful if we do go out because he’s let us. We say things like “I’m allowed out this weekend, if you’re free”…The use of words like “let” and “allowed” illustrates how we actually, kind of believe ourselves that he has the right to stop us! Some women criticise others for often going out without their partners.
Once the Jailer has us head fucked enough, we end up losing all ambition and self-esteem and we might not even want to go out. We lose our financial independence and our family and friends have been pushed away and then we feel totally stuck…after all where would we go or how could we afford to leave?! We might start to put on or lose weight, start using drugs, drinking a lot, lose strength of character and absolutely hate ourselves and give up and accept that this is just our lives now.
When we have pushed our family and friends away we have nobody to talk to anymore, no help or support, nobody to ask for help and we feel immense loneliness.
Again…This is NOT normal!!!! None of it!!! So look out for these things from the absolute second that you meet someone! Even if you have no plans tell him you do and will have to arrange the second date for the day or weekend after…If he’s a normal man, this will not put him off…you can still spend lots of time with him but make sure he knows you have a life too and need to get on with that sometimes without him! Oh and I personally recommend that you don’t sleep with anyone until you’ve had at least 5 dates…Some people think that sounds a lot nowadays but seriously…get to know them better first, because once sex happens the first time, it usually becomes more about sex for a while, than anything else…I didn’t let my fiance near me (apart from kissing goodbye) for almost a month and we had spent pretty much every other day for a good few hours together (between work and seeing my friends and family)…He was happy to do the same…and too much information I know, but MATE, did it make our first time so much more amazing (I remember every second like it was yesterday and we’ve been together 8 years).
If you identify with any of these points and you’re still inside this relationship please call someone or email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
There are Domestic Abuse services in all counties in the UK and they’re maily 0800 numbers so they are free…There is also The National Domestic Abuse helpline on 08082000247 (which is also a free numbers from landline or mobile)…If you’re unable to phone because he is there then you can also also check out http://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk (Which again I cannot recommend enough it helped me change my whole life)… http://www.victimsupport.org.uk , http://www.domestic-abuse.org and countless others. Each local Police service will have a domestic abuse unit with specially trained lovely people who won’t take anything you say any further IF you don’t want them to but WILL help you!
I’m going to publish this now and go back to work…I haven’t got time to proof read it but I will edit later if needed. for now I hope this helps even one person today. Much love x