I got this card out the other day…this was given to me along with a brilliant book called ‘Living With The Dominator’ during my first day at Freedom and it really did give me such a boost because the first time I read this I was like “yep, yep, yep, yep” all the way down the red side…now I’m like “yep, yep, yep, yep” all the way down the green side…looking at this for the first time in a couple of years and realising this, really did put a smile on my face. I would never have thought at the time I’d be saying that!
Here are some examples of emotional abuse that you might recognise…
•Does he take great pleasure in saying things to upset and/or frighten you?
•Get jealous of any type of attention you might receive from anyone else? This could just be a family member wanting to meet up for a coffee with you and it doesn’t have to be that he screams and shouts about it either…Maybe he just makes it impossible for you to actually go out for the coffee or makes you feel guilty for leaving him so that YOU decide to stay home and turn down your cousin that you haven’t seen for 6 months…again making you look the bad guy?
•Does he monitor and time you? Look through your phone and ask “Who’s that” when your phone goes off?
•How about making decisions that involve you without even thinking to consult you first? Like telling you the minute you get home from work that you need to be ready in ten minutes, because, you’re going out for dinner with his family? Or making a big purchase without you knowing and telling you later like you have no right to a say in these decisions?
•Does he control all of the finances and even how you spend money? (Sometimes this is very subtle…He will make sure he tells you to buy yourself things but will then make sure you never have the money to do so).
•Repeatedly cross your boundaries and ignore your requests until you give up entirely?
•Make subtle threats…This can include something as small as a twitch, a look, an eyebrow raise, squeezing your hand, a certain noise or joke. Things others wont notice but you know what it means…You know what’s coming when you get home!
•Show total disregard and disrespect for you, your decisions, opinions and ideas?
•Make jokes at your expense? Sometimes these jokes will be cleverly subtle so that they can really upset you but without anyone else knowing why it’s upset you so much…Then obviously when you react…You’re crazy, bitch! They also use sarcasm, or tease you to put you down or make you feel bad. Sometimes other people might look a little uncomfortable when this happens but they wont say anything because they feel likes it’s not their place, so they just ignore it.
•Swear and call you names? Talk to you as if you’re stupid? Make you feel like you’re worthless?
So…You’re dealing with a Narcissist if:
• Everything revolves around them…It’s all about what they want and what they need.
• Nothing is EVER their fault! Even with the evidence to prove it is!
• They totally neglect you and take you for granted…They never make you feel important or valuable.
• Selfish is a fucking understatement! This bitch is only about himself and nothing is ever good enough!
• They lack empathy and compassion for anyone else…The only person who they give a shit about is them!
• Everyone else around them are just objects…There to be used, whenever and however they need.
• They don’t learn from their mistakes because they don’t think they’ve made any.
• They don’t apologise or change their ways because they don’t see the benefit for them in doing so.
•They will never stop lying…In fact, if they get caught in a lie they will actually just learn how to lie more efficiently and convincingly. They will learn how to deceive more covertly and how to deny and cover up their wrongdoings, so as not to be discovered next time.
•They lie effortlessly. They’re two-faced and make sure they appear to be the nicest people and greatest friends in the eyes of those on the outside.
Narcissists are pretty much beyond help, unless they are willing to undergo a hell of a lot of reprogramming themselves by professionals…which is incredibly rare…
STOP TRYING TO FIX THEM AND CONCENTRATE ON FIXING YOU!!!
O.K. so, who else has come out of an argument and thought to themselves…”What the actual fuck was that about?!” and end up feeling totally messed with. Me too! Again this is control…and sometimes the most subtle forms of control can be the most effective… We find ourselves thinking “WHAT THE FUCK” quite often when we argue with twats…Quite often they will use these little diversion techniques so they can hide the fact that they’re acting like total knob heads…
you’ll notice things like, how he takes everything you say with a totally different meaning…like you’re saying something entirely different, Like you have bad intentions and hidden meaning behind everything you say. He will turn everything around and shove it all back at ya, and he’ll keep bringing up your actions and his feelings. He mutters under his breath and calls you stupid and acts like everything you say is totally unreasonable and like everything you think is ridiculous. Sometimes all it takes is a raised eyebrow and you know he is saying he has absolutely zero respect for you. He will do this to the point where you actually begin to question yourself and think maybe you are a shitty person!?
You’re not alone, don’t worry and there’s a bloody good chance you’re not mad either. This is all just another part of the game, but have no fear…We can get through this…When we recognise it and start taking action it’s quite exciting to see how much easier life becomes.
Once you know how the game works and you learn how to identify these behaviours and you know it’s NOT all in your head and it is actually very common, then you learn how to react differently when he tries it…which means you have the upper hand…you don’t feel so hurt but actually feel quite pleased with yourself and can actually have a little secret giggle to yourself about how predictable the little noshjob really is. This really does help you to understand the situation as a whole.
I know right…That title seems like a bit of a joke…Thing is, there are actually nice guys out there…I’m lucky enough to have one now (although it wasn’t always that way…he did need a tweak with counseling for old issues that still got to him). The thing is, you’ve been drawn to total shitcunts for so long that you end up ‘friend zoning’ the nice guys or totally missing them in the first place. It’s O.K. though…You just have to re-programme…Sounds hard but actually when you make a note of this next list I’m going to give you then its really quite easy…I mean you will already know all of this but will have trained your brain to ignore it all…when you’re reading it all in this context though it’ll have you shook and you’ll be walking around Tesco Good Guy/Bad guy spotting. It becomes quite a fun game.
So here are the good guy qualities…the ones we choose not to see…
- THE NEGOTIATOR. Takes responsibility for his own shit…you’re not to blame for his fuck ups and that thought would never even cross his mind. This one behaves like a reasonable human…I know! Crazy to think huh!?
- THE PARTNER. Will be your equal. He’ll say things like “Don’t worry, I’ll do it. You’ve just got home from work”. He will get up in the morning and put on a load of washing on rather than sitting on his lazy arse waiting for you to come and do it, or make you a coffee while you get your face on. He’ll take the kids to their friend’s party when he’s not busy and you have a lot on and he wont even think about it. He’ll split the bills with you fairly and he’ll look at the household income as just that…not “my money” and “your money”, but, “our money”. He will include you and say things like “Hmm what do you think about that new sofa? Do you think we will be able to afford it?”. He will discuss things with you before just making a decision.
- THE TRUTH TELLER. This one accepts he is a dick head sometimes. He takes responsibility and say’s things like “Sorry, I was in a mood earlier. I shouldn’t have whinged at you”.
- THE GOOD FATHER. Will share responsibility when it comes to all aspects of bringing up the children. He will always support how you deal with the children in front of them. Even if he doesn’t agree. He will talk to you privately, afterwards if he thinks you were maybe too lenient or too harsh or could have made a better deal etc. He wouldn’t want your children to go against you or make you look less capable than him. He would also expect the same from you,because that’s just the way it is.
- THE LOVER. Will hold your hand, Will feel your arse when he walks past while you get ready in the morning, will stroke your bare back while you sit in bed next to him without assuming that entitles him to sex. He will want you but it will always be a mutual decision and foreplay will be a word he is familiar with. He also shares responsibility for things like contraception.
- THE FRIEND. Sits and talks to you, laughs and jokes with you, listens to you and takes an interest in how your day has been. He shares your sense of humour and is happy and cheerful around you. You could have as much fun with him as you could with your friends.
- THE LIBERATOR. Gets on with your friends and family even if they’re not like his. He will think nothing of you wanting to go out and spend time with them and encourage you to keep these relationships going. He takes an interest in your work or hopes and dreams and tells you he’s proud of you and he believes in you and keeps you going and inspires you to believe in yourself.
- THE CONFIDENCE BOOSTER. Says you’re beautiful, again supports your ambitions and says you can do it. He also looks at you and smiles, he values your opinions. He holds your hand regardless of who’s watching and he isn’t too embarrassed to tell his friends he loves you.
This really can happen! As unbelievable as this may seem right now this is actually a normal man! You’ve just been caught up in the habit of going to the fucking losers.
When you’re not sure, look out for sentences like “I HELP you with the housework”, “I BABYSAT the kids FOR YOU”, “I’ve brought the washing in FOR YOU”, “I’ve washed up FOR YOU” etc. I mean “WOW! REALLY, FOR ME!? OH, WELL, GOSH DARN…PLEASE LET ME SUCK IT FOR A WEEK!?”……Urgh, I’m sure that’s what they expect to hear in response. Fuck that mate…go suck your own dick!
I was shook when I saw these all in one place. You kind of forget things when you’re experiencing so much shit all of the time. I think in order to deal with it all you sort of force yourself to believe it was less than it was.
So here’s the tea…
There are 8 main types of abuse. You’re about to think “yep” more than once….and when I go into more detail you’ll be like “Holy shitballs, yeah that’s my life” about 20x over.
- THE LIAR. This prick denies he’s done wrong. Says things like “I ONLY slapped you, it’s not like you’re gonna die” and “fucking hell, here we go again, cry for no reason”. He will blame anything and anyone but himself…i.e. Drink, Drugs, His childhood, Stress, Work, You, Unemployment, Friends etc.
- THE KING OF THE CASTLE. This dick head treats you like some sort of maid/slave. Like he owns you and ‘jokes’ a little too often that “women are for fucking, sucking, cooking & cleaning”. He will control the money, you’ll feel lucky if he lets you have any money or time for yourself.
- THE BULLY. This little twat Glares at you, shouts and smashes things, sulks, clenches his fists and squeezes things…Basically he has no self control (which is why he cums so quickly and leaves you thinking wtf) he will use any type of intimidation to control you.
- THE JAILER. This wanker stops you from seeing pretty much everybody. Stops or tries to stop you from working, Tells you what to wear, how to behave, keeps you stuck at home, seduces your friends/family into liking him so they believe it’s you who’s abandoned them and you eho has the problem.
- THE SEXUAL CONTROLLER. This vile little weasel will have you whenever he wants regardless of whether or not you want him too. Or the total opposite he will reject you and make you feel disgusting, worthless and embarrassed about yourself.
- THE HEAD WORKER. This mongy little fucker spends his life putting you down either with direct insults or indirect insults like “Huh, you actually look alright today” like he’s surprised cause usually you look like shit (even though you haven’t done anything different…you then worry that you wont know how to recreate whatever it is you’ve done today and start feeling anxious all the time). or “oh, you wont be doing anything anyway will you if I want to go out on Saturday” (assumes you have no life)
- THE PERSUADER. This pathetic little arsehole is the one who will give it all the Charlie Big Potatoes but then fucking cry when you tell him you’re leaving him and have had enough. He might threaten to hurt or even kill himself, the children, you or even pets if you were to leave him. He begs and pleads and promises or touches you how he knows you like it to show you what you’d be “missing” (missing my arse).
- THE BAD FATHER. This fucking helmet says you’re a bad mother. He tries to turn your children against you, might use access to harass you if you’re no longer together, Threatens to take your children away from you, persuades you to get pregnant and then gives you absolutely fuck all help afterwards because looking after a baby is “a woman’s job”.
So there are the main types of abuse…how many did you relate to?
I will, over time, go into detail about a lot of stuff and hopefully answer questions and help people out.
Please feel free to make suggestions. I’ve never done anything like this before. I’d appreciate the input 💕
Thanks for joining me!
Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton